The last time I went trick or treating, I was 38. I threw a sheet over my head and cut out holes for my eyes. Since I'm five-feet-tall, I looked like a kid to most people and collected my weight in Snickers that night.
But now that I’ve been through 50-some Halloweens, I’m tired of the holiday and wish it would go away. Halloween has turned into one big hassle for me. Unfortunately, I live in a neighborhood populated by a bunch of kids. My doorbell starts ringing just before dusk and keeps ringing for hours. I feel like a slave -- pausing the TV, grabbing the candy bowl, shoving the cats away from the door and trying to make small talk with tots, when all I want to do is watch a movie.
Ways to Cancel Halloween
I’ve been busy this year thinking up ways to get out of Halloween. Following are a few of those ideas for you. Bear in mind, I haven’t personally tested any of these suggestions yet, so if your yard is covered in wet toilet paper come morning, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
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Go out for dinner.
Just don’t be home. Kids don’t ring doorbells where it looks like a vacant house. Of course, they might also decide to break in and rob your house. You know how cute pranksters can be on Halloween. - Pretend you’re not home.
Close the drapes, put the cars in the garage and turn off all the lights. You can eat in the dark and pretend you’re at one of those trendy restaurants that hire blind people to feed you in total blackness. - Trade homes for the night.
If you have friends who live in a high-rise apartment or condo building, for example, they might enjoy spending an evening in your home. And you could soak in their spa. Make the arrangements far in advance of Halloween, say, around Valentine's Day, before they have time to think about the consequences of October 31. - Pay a teenager to hand out candy for you.
I’ll gladly pay $25 to any kid who is willing to sit in my living room for three hours and hand out candy. While they were on the job, I’d also let them yak nonstop on their cells and say OMG a million times. - Set candy outside the door.
Put a bowl of candy on the front steps with a large note that invites kids to help themselves. Nail a camera to the porch roof next to sign that says “Smile, you’re on camera. Two-piece limit or the Halloween police will be summoned.” The well-behaved kids will run away. But it takes only one brave soul to swipe the entire bowlful. - Be Green and stop global warming.
Stick a sign in your yard that says: Go Green! Have a Zucchini! And dump several crates of fresh zucchini on your porch. But you’d have to stand them up vertically or kids might stomp them into a green, slimy mess. Then, some other kid will slip and bang his head open and his parents will sue you.
